Topics of reflection

It's rare that I find myself reflecting about anything. I used to churn out blog after blog of pointless reflection, whittling away at my understanding of the world and humanity until it all became too pointed and narrow. I would look at something and immediately see a pattern based on my long meditations about how people behave. I don't do that too much now. 

I was great at Sociology. Because I seemed to innately know how people reacted to certain stimuli, better than most, the sociological reasons for reaction in society seemed completely common sensical to me. It wasn't ever really new information- it just sort of flowed together a little better than my blog posts because a trained professor labored over the lectures. 

My current lack of self-reflection must come from the amount of acute stress I'm under. If it isn't a friend that's in need, it's the Racquette. If it isn't the Racquette, it's someone's fading health (usually my own) or a death in the family. When those things aren't struggling against my generally carefree demeanor, it's my own instinctual desire to duck and take cover from the various fears that are hovering just outside my "normal" thoughts, waiting to gain a foothold: failure, prejudice, lovelessness. I recognize the fact that these fears are prevalent in everyone's lives, not just my own, and that it's relatively simple to acknowledge them and push them away. Recognition of these facts isn't enough to make them go away permanently, though. A very smart woman once told me, "You will never be able to get rid of grief completely. It will only change as you grow." I'm still growing, the fears are still changing, but they aren't gone.

...

The date is still shocking to me. I'm entering the final weeks of my last semester as a Junior in college; I'm 21 years old; I'm almost completely financially independent from my parents and already don't have a room at my parents' home anymore (it's being transformed into a room for my Great Aunt). All of this means that I am an adult. Time is pressing against me with an intense urgency, reminding me that it is running and I have to keep up with it. Am I still keeping pace?

A quick self-assessment says that I am, barely. I wanted to publish a book by the time I was 21. Failure #1, but I have a small alternative- it isn't a book, but I'm the editor-in-chief of a weekly publication. In some ways, that makes my personal goal accomplished and then some (it's still not a novel, though). 

I wanted to find someone to keep stride with me in life; I wanted a confidant. There's still plenty of time for that romantic Shakespearean love to evolve, and I'm currently seeing someone who's doing well in my world. It's neither a success nor a failure, but it's a step in the right direction. He makes me happy which definitely weights things more on the success side of the scale (quite a bit more).

I'm excelling in my academic field. I'm in constant communication with my writing professors, and while I may not have straight A's, I know that I am learning something from all of them. Grades, to me, are not everything and never really have been. If I am achieving some kind of personal gain from the work that I do, then I know that I have succeeded already. Perfect grades and absolutely zero cognitive gain is, in my opinion, an enormous failure. Idling through college in the library is another failure, and as I've already noted, that is not something I have to worry about. Success.

...

Maybe it's not that I simply stopped reflecting. Maybe I'm constantly looking at the proverbial mirror before I act. Maybe by keeping my life organized in front of me like the pieces of a chess board, I'm keeping myself in check with efficient decisions. The necessity for reflection is no longer there. Either way, it's all relative. 

A parting thought- I wake up preferring to be alone but surround myself with the people I care about anyway so they know I'm always here. If I can offer people that simple comfort, I am contented knowing that at least my friends have a person they can count on. Even when they can't offer me the same comfort.