Life's lessons

I had a really great time growing up. My life has always been filled with love- my parents' love, my friends' love, and even an estranged love for myself (it's there, buried beneath the perfectionism and the self-doubting).

Recently, however, I've been forced to endure a few of life's crueler lessons.

It's an imperceptible shift in the delicate balance of things. All of a sudden, I woke up to discover that nothing was the way it was yesterday, or a week ago. The people who I called my friends weren't really there anymore. The love I had for someone wasn't enough to keep the whole of things equalized. The balance wasn't just tipping anymore; it had tipped, and all of the comforts I amassed were gone.

It isn't sad. Not anymore, not really. It's just strange. I hate referencing old addages, but I never really considered what I had until it wasn't there anymore.

Didn't I, though? I remember waking up to the comfortable life thinking 'Man. I'm really lucky to have these people' virtually every day. I've had tons of conversations with other self-doubters and Negative Nancies before the shift, trying desperately to get them to see through my rose-colored glasses for a change. Then something took them.

Bitterness. Cynicism.

I called this shift a life lesson, and it is. I learned that nothing is ever truly stable. I also learned that happiness, like other emotions, can come and go, fleetingly. I also learned that friends, no matter what they say, will betray you (how much fun IS the house without me, guys?).

It's an unattractive lesson, and it's not really all that fun to write this, but it needed to be writ. For my own sake, I suppose.

Bitterness and cynicism. They're prevalent lately, despite what I may have written in previous blogs. Every time I see him smile, some malevolent hammer chips another piece of me away, and whenever the rest of them laugh together, I swear I can hear my own voice laughing with them. Distantly, though.

Maybe bitterness and cynicism are just precursors to... I don't know. Serenity and understanding? Growth? Sure. I'll go with that.


I'm just over tired, I guess. Good night.